Monday, December 13, 2010

Halloween Treat – The 10 Most Wicked Witches of the Left

In light of the drubbing that Christine O’Donnell has taken as regards witchcraft, and with Halloween right around the corner, how about a look at some real-life Horrors (note to Jerry Brown: that’s HOR-RORS two syllables, not… well, you know). These are the true Witches of the Left – and they’re a frightening, diabolical bunch. Dear Reader, if you are prone to nightmares, you might want to stop reading now! You won’t find any cuties like Samantha from “Bewitched” or Harry Potter’s little friend Hermione in this horde…

10. Olivia Wilde
There’s plenty of terrifying stuff in Hollywood – let’s start there! Actress Olivia Wilde (of “House” fame, apparently) is promoting her new Disney movie “Tron” AND bashing conservatives, the GOP, corporations (um, like Disney) and of course Sarah Palin – all at once! Give this wicked witch credit for multi-tasking!  This video (see below) implies that if you vote Republican on Tuesday – well, you’ll pretty much send the world straight to hell, which seems appropriate for the holiday and all, but it leaves me a little confused – I thought it was the Republicans who motivate voters by fear? Ah well, no matter. This is really the same sad old spell she’s casting – mocking Sarah Palin? That’s old hat – and pointy witch hat, to boot.

9. Lauren Valle
Speaking of pointy witch hats, we have the lovely Lauren Valle, who got hers all crumpled when a slightly overzealous Rand Paul supporter placed his foot firmly on her shoulder, after she was wrestled to the ground. Why was she wrestled to the ground? Because she ran at the candidate and shoved a sign in his face. Turns out that little Lauren has quite a history of trying to stir up trouble at public events, and has formerly employed her dark skills as a Greenpeace protester. By the way, the sign Lauren was trying to shove in front of Paul was the same “RepubliCorp” logo featured in Wilde’s video. Apparently, RepubliCorp is the name of their coven.
And being a member of this coven is a paying gig. Lauren was being compensated for her service to the Conway campaign; the gentleman in question was not a paid Rand Paul operative, however. He was simply a volunteer, giving lie to reports that he was some type of paid thug. On the contrary, he was just an overenthusiastic witch-hunter. She should be thankful he didn’t truss her up to a stake – you know how that story would have ended, and it wouldn’t have been pretty!

8. New Jersey Education Association
And speaking of covens – let me just say this: The New Jersey Education Association. Gruesome goings-on, indeed – all involving child sacrifice. Well, sacrificing any shot at a decent education, anyway. Surely the kids of New Jersey deserve to be free of teacher witches (Twitches? Teatches?) casting the n-word spell at them, or wishing to use their bodies in their twisted witch rituals. These witches are also leeches (Litches? Weaches? Leechers?) because once they’re hired, you can’t get rid of them – they reamain firmly attached to the body politic, sucking its lifeblood. This is a fact they are only too willing to crow about in front of young and sometimes overenthusiastic undercover journalists, apparently.  Come to think of it, James O’Keefe IS pretty young. While in their company he may have been in danger. Run, James O’Keefe! Don’t become another statistic, like the public school kids of New Jersey. Protect yourself! Remember, you may have to stomp on someone’s head.

Bragging about committing felony election fraud won’t get these witches burned at the stake, but it should get them into some serious hot water. However, Department of Justice head Eric Holder is notoriously lenient with all practitioners of the dark arts, so don’t hold your breath.

7. Jon Stewart
So, let it never be said of me that I indulge in any kind of bias. In the interest of political correctness, my list of wicked witches is gender-inclusive. Which brings me to Jon Stewart. His rally this Halloween weekend will no doubt provide a few horrifying moments, at least for the Left, as his followers basically mock all those voters Katie Couric likes to call the great unwashed middle of the country. Can’t wait to see how that goes over with the folks! They’ve tried to paint this rally as “moderate” or neutral, but we ALL know better, don’t we? Even the lamestream media is openly recognizing the partisan nature of this weekend’s event – some even suggesting that the President should put in an appearance.

Stewart also earns wicked witch points for being an arrogant twit who is starting to believe his own press. He called the President of the United States “dude” on national television. (Of course the White House gets what they richly deserve for legitimizing Stewart as some kind of “journalist.”) Now make no mistake – Stewart’s not utterly demonic, like for instance Bill Maher, but he’s definitely got some witch-y tendencies.

6. Joy Behar
Oh, dear reader, if you have stayed with me thus far, you are brave indeed. But now I must warn you: we are descending lower and lower into the very bowels of hell, so when I say something wicked this way comes… of course I mean Joy Behar. Joy’s more like the Oz version of the Wicked Witch. Remember how if you threw water on her, she melted? Well, Joy goes into meltdown if you throw a few facts her way. Okay, she doesn’t melt – it’s more like her fanny catches fire causing her to bounce up and run off the set with other like-minded witches.

But here’s a funny thing. Joy thinks everybody’s a witch like her! She recently called GOP candidate Sharron Angle a witch. And then after the classy Angle sent her some flowers, she naturally responded by calling her a witch again. Or, something kinda like that. In any event, I’m sure that leading feminist witches – I mean leading feminists – will immediately speak up on Angle’s behalf. We haven’t heard from them yet, but that’s just because they’re too busy denouncing Jerry Brown’s use of the w-word. (Insert cricket sound here.)

5. Keith Olbermann
Does whining, crying and throwing temper tantrums classify one as a witch? I mean, can a little girl be described as such? If so, I present Keith Olbermann, the biggest sissy in the coven (and that’s saying something, considering who’s coming up next). And this brings us to one of those metaphysical questions – if someone practices the dark arts but nobody’s watching, does a tree fall in the forest?

Yes, his increasingly unhinged rants have literally chased viewers away from MSNBC. (It has been speculated that his head just might explode on live television this Tuesday night – now THAT’S must-see TV!) Keith’s latest rambling rant (it goes on for a good twenty minutes!) has something to do with the Tea Party, Jim Crow and lynching. It makes about as much sense as “Double, double, toil and trouble, eye of newt etc. etc.” Come to think of it, just about any incantation or abra-cadabra would make more sense. My apologies to witches everywhere who have got to be, generally, more lucid than this eternally outraged blowhard. The only potion he’s brewing up is a big steaming cauldron of Fox-News Envy, and he’s suffering from a near-terminal case. We might have to call in a witch doctor (ha ha, get it, witch doctor?).

4. Barney Frank

Courageous reader, this is my last warning. These last four icons of Leftist evil are so foul, so vile, so malevolent, that only one phrase can describe them all: Incumbent Democrats. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

Barney Frank is in possession of potent spell-casting abilities. He can run a gay prostitution ring out of his house, wave his magic wand (Hey! Stop that snickering!) and suffer nary a consequence. Yes, lesser men – without Barney’s considerable sleight of hand with a scandal – are forced to resign over lesser misdeeds. But not Barney Frank. He’s rather like Voldemort – his powers are considerable, but they are always aimed toward evil. Particularly vulnerable to his “vanishing your cognitive reasoning skills” act: NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, the New York Times, the Washington Post – you get the idea.

The hooker ring was Exhibit A. Here’s Exhibit B: You know that economic mess that Obama is constantly whining he inherited? The one he’s always blaming the Republicans for – something about driving a car into a ditch? Well, the car went into the ditch, all right, and we can argue about who was at the wheel – but SOMEBODY messed with the steering mechanism in the first place. SOMEBODY screwed up that car while it was driving down the road. SOMEBODY insisted that banks were being unfair because they didn’t give mortgage loans to poor people who couldn’t really afford them. SOMEBODY forced the banks to lower their standards, all in the pursuit of squelching “discrimination.” SOMEBODY played such a major role in the factors that sent our economy into a tailspin that what we’re in could be called a Frankcession… but – voila! This is virtually never reported. Truly, the man’s dark powers are phenomenal!

3. Patty Murray
Enough with the boy witches. Let’s get down to some real fem-evil. You know how those vampires all hang around up in the misty Pacific Northwest? Well, that’s where you can find a creature more revolting than any vampire or werewolf. It’s a slug – and there are a lot of them up Washington way. But only one… is in tennis shoes. And is a mom. A mom in tennis shoes. I think you know who I’m talking about. Unlike a real slug, this one won’t shrivel up if you pour salt on her. (Dropping a house works, if I remember correctly.)

Senator Patty Murray has beaten to death that “mom in tennis shoes” phrase, with its patina of “I’m just a PTA mom who got involved!” Of course that’s a lie. Patty Murray got involved not for her kids, but to save some dumb job she had teaching “parenting” or some equally challenging subject at a community college. Her particular brand of magic is a “forget-I” spell. Forget I praised Osama bin Laden for building hospitals and daycare centers. Forget I helped chase one of my state’s biggest employers to more business-friendly regions. Forget I am in bed with the Teamsters which has had disastrous results on my state’s premier fruit growing businesses. Like Barney Frank, Patty Murray also possesses mighty powers of obfuscation and disingenuousness, although she would have to look up both those words.

2. Nancy Pelosi
Ah, this one’s way too easy. Betcha thought she’d be number one! But she’s not, because there’s someone who’s been even more evil – and Nancy Pelosi’s reign of terror is almost certainly coming to a merciful end.
But she’s certainly earned her number two spot. Presiding over a Congress that opened America’s mouth and rammed Obamacare down our throats – the bill she had to pass before she could read. And who can forget Pelosi’s triumphant march, tauntingly cradling her gavel past thousands of protesters (remember? How those racist protesters used the n-word? You don’t remember? Let me show you the video. Oh, wait. There was no video! IT NEVER HAPPENED.) Anyway. A witch of Pelosi’s stature should have one heckuva broom, but for some reason she insists on using military jets for family trips. Go figure! No, I mean, really – go figure what that costs. Staggering numbers. But I guess we shouldn’t worry too much, because Wicked Witch Pelosi knows all about getting the most bang for her buck; wisdom she recently shared with us Muggles. Food stamps and unemployment! That’s the wave of the future! Oops, I mean the wave of the present. And again, like her sister-in-the-dark-arts Murray, her malevolent powers rest uneasily next to a tendency to speak utter nonsense. Too bad these ladies can’t cast a “commonsense smarts” spell on themselves.

1. Barbara “Call Me Senator” Boxer
Finally, this Halloween’s apotheosis of pure evil. What else to call someone who weaves a spell so sinister, so diabolical, that strapping brigadier generals are forced to call her “senator”? The similiarity between Barbara Boxer and Evil Incarnate has been noted; see below.

Not quite so amusing – we return to the theme of the wicked witch threatening young children. Boxer has apparently employed (on our dime – we, the taxpaying dupes) not one but two child pornography aficianados. And just this week she was caught red-handed, and had to apologize, for attempting to coerce teachers into recruiting schoolchildren to work for her campaign.

But most appalling of all is Boxer’s support of the Israel-hating and America-betraying Code Pink organization. Code Pink has directly provided cash and supplies to terror groups fighting OUR military, and Barbara Boxer paved the way. Code Pink has harassed families and veterans at Walter Reed Hospital and told the mother of a Navy Seal that her son deserved to die. And that’s exactly what you’d expect out of the Leftist House of Horrors, which is really no laughing matter at all, I’m sorry to say.

Enjoy the Boxer/Dr. Evil video courtesy of former Senate candidate Chuck DeVore, below. And a happy Halloween to all – but here’s hoping 48 hours later sees a few less witches in Washington, D.C.

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