Monday, December 13, 2010

The Top 10 Insanities of Airport Security

Inmates are running this aslyum

Here we are, just about to turn the corner into the hap-happiest season of all … kicked off as always with the bus-busiest day of the year at American airports. But air travel in late 2010 is anything but jolly these days.
There are many, many things wrong with our current airport security situation. We’ve got groping, we’ve got leering, we’ve got radiation … and how about Muslim screeners frisking nuns (above)! If we didn’t know better, we might think that Janet Napolitano, (not) affectionately known as Big Sis, and her TSA goonies are actively trying to foment an airport security revolution. I hope to heaven we do revolt, because the situation has gone from ridiculous to dangerous.

There may be one solution to the problem. Did you know that your local airport can opt out of TSA and contract for security with the private sector? Win win win! And there are calls to eliminate the TSA altogether. But until America wakes up and smells the sanity coffee … it’s crazy out there.


10. Show Me the Money
Right out of the gate, a question not being asked by the MSM (naturally) is who is benefiting from the widespread use of these new body scanners? Well, George Soros, of course. We already knew that if it’s detrimental to human liberty, Soros is all for it – now we know that he’s lining his pockets with our shredded freedom, as (at least) some Canadian journalists recognize. (This article also notes the irony in the name of these scanners: Rapiscan. Sounds a little like Rape-a-scan, no?) Anyway, U.S. Congressman John Duncan of Tennessee outed another recipient of body scanner largesse on the House Floor.





9. Coffee, Tea or a Quick Feel
Pilots and flight attendants are pissed, and rightly so. Obviously, they have to fly a lot more than the rest of us, so they’re being exposed to this nonsense on a far more regular basis. Some of them want a biometric system, like a fingerprint card, so they can opt out. And how incredibly stupid is this anyway?  A pilot could walk through a body scanner bare naked and allow every orifice to be closely examined by highly trained TSA personnel – and then proceed to fly his plane into any building he so chose. No less a hero than the renowned Capt. Sully says that the system is a big waste of resources for airline personnel.



Arms in the air, Grandma!

8. …Is a Unionized TSA Worker
Yes, right in the middle of this enormous firestorm of public outrage, the feds want to unionize yet ANOTHER group of federal workers. And it’s our groping, leering, rude and not particularly effective friends at the TSA. No government employees should ever be unionized; that’s created untold problems at both the federal and state level. But to endow this group of wannabe cops with near-life job protection and immunization from public complaint that union representation would offer is … well, insane.


7. Take Your Punishment
If you dare to question the TSA, be prepared to pay a high price, much like one pays for questioning the IRS (or questioning Democratic presidential candidates – see “Plumber, Joe the”). The TSA wants to investigate the man who would not let them touch his junk. Not sure investigating citizens is within the scope of TSA responsibilities, but isn’t it reassuring to know that if you cross swords with the TSA, they’ll come back at you with the full force of the United States government behind them?



6. A Glowing Concern
I mean, a growing concern – over health issues related to the widespread (and in the case of pilots and frequest flyers, constant) use of body scanners. We’ve been told that our cell phones, our microwave ovens, and our dentists all present radiation threats to us – why would the TSA insist that these new body scanners are perfectly safe? Certainly, women who are pregnant or may be pregnant should not be going through these devices, which some scientists are claiming will produce skin cancer as well as other ill effects.



5. Fun with Porn
Speaking of body scanners… it’s bad enough that they nuke you as you go through, but then the TSA workers in the back room get a good look at… well, at everything. This gross invasion of privacy, we were assured by TSA higher-ups and Big Sis, would be strictly protected from abuse. Nobody will ever leer at these images! What’s more, they will NEVER, EVER get out where anyone else can see them. Except, when they do get out where someone else can see them. That’s right – naked images of you or your grandma or your toddler. Don’t worry, no one will be able to recognize you. Probably.



4. Line Up for Your Free Government Grope-n-Squeeze!
Yes, the perverts among us will definitely be opting out of the scanners, because they usually have to pay good money for this kind of service. TSA hands on, in and under your bra, down your pants, in and around your underwear. All out there in the airport so any perverts watching can also get their jollies from your abject humiliation! Child molesters – this one’s for you, too! Because, remember when that 3-year-old white kid blew up a plane? Oh wait. That didn’t happen. Well, never mind! Let the fun continue! These “pat downs” aren’t finding anything that a metal detector can’t find, but they are one of the most outrageous assaults on our personal liberty to date. There have been numerous reports of TSA personnel pulling a woman’s shirt in such a way that her breasts were exposed in the airport. But don’t think a private patdown of your nether regions will necessarily be any less humiliating.


Does this mom, having her chest felt up in public, look like a freakin' terrorist to you?
3. It’s Not Keeping Us Safe!
If I hear one more self-righteous dimwit say how “if it saves just one person” they’ll submit to full body cavity searches, I may just blow up my own underwear. This system is not working, people! There is absolutely no evidence that the TSA has ever apprehended a single terrorist. They’ve apprehended nuns,  Medal of Honor winners, and many, many suspicious bottles of baby lotion and whatnot. But no terrorists. You bending over for a TSA private parts inspection is not buying safety for anyone. Of course, it was an alert TSA agent who thwarted both the underwear bomber and the shoe bomber, saving countless lives. Or wait – maybe in both cases it was passengers. Whatever.





2. Profiling
Israel has used this idea for years, with great success. See, they sit down and think: “Who would be most likely to want to blow up one of our planes?” And then they focus their considerably more successful security systems on offering the maximum harassment/deterrent to those individuals. If the United States doesn’t know who those individuals are, they should just call up Israel and ask them. After all, the same folks who want to blow up “infidels” in Israel want to blow up “infidels” here. (Infidels=you.)

I shouldn’t even have to point out the utter lunacy inherent in the fact that some Muslims argue their religion prevents them from submitting to scanners or patdowns. Yeah, that makes PERFECT sense! Probe inside the blonde teenager’s bra, but let those young Arab men right on through. Heaven (or Allah) forbid that anyone think we were prejudiced or anything! It is true, I have heard it said, that 99% of Muslims are not jihadists. But 99% of jihadists – um, okay, 100% — are Muslim.

Anyway, a commonsense profiling effort would deny the TSA their groping/leering jollies, and it would also make American air travel safer with less hassle for the vast majority of us who do not fall into the category of people most likely to blow up a plane. Darn it – how will we get by with no more strip searches for Grandma, or 4-year-olds in leg braces?


1. Baa baa
First we lined up to walk though the metal scanners. Then we removed our coats, shoes, belts and jewelry. Then we turned over our toothpaste, our hand lotion, our drinking water, our baby’s bottle. Then we stood while nude images of us were beamed across the airport, and allowed complete strangers to pat, grope and squeeze the most intimate parts of our bodies, and the bodies of our children, in some cases standing by while our children screamed, as we have taught them to do, “Don’t touch me!” (Above, a little light reading material for your preschooler to get him or her ready for the next trip to the airport…)

The species Sheepus Americanus had better wake up. An assault on your person (and make no mistake – under any other circumstance, you could have someone arrested for touching you in that fashion) is an assault on your personal liberty. The fact that this atrocity of a security policy is not making American travel safer – well, that’s just the icing on the indignation cake. The truth is, even if this WERE making travel safer, it would still be wrong. There is never a right way to do a wrong thing, and it is desperately wrong to give government functionaries the power to assault your person (or your child). What, my friends, will you give up next?

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