Monday, December 13, 2010

The Top 10 Political Jive Turkeys of 2010

Some years back, the term “turkey” was more popularly employed to describe some type of loser. “That guy – what a turkey!” someone might say derisively. A colorful variation from the 70s was the “jive turkey” – someone untrustworthy who was full of that stuff Olbermann says conservatives play with – but more on him in a moment.

As we prepare to baste our birds and enjoy our annual tribute to the Pilgrims, Indians, and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, let us briefly turn our attention to the jive turkeys of 2010 – in other words, liars who are full of “it.”

10. Chris Matthews
The tingly thrill up the leg guy did not disappoint in ’10. He started off the year suggesting that voter fraud’s a nifty method to keep the Right out of power. Around that same time, he forgot that President Obama was black, but the really evil part of that whole debacle was his blatant lying (the “jive” part of jive turkey) about how the president was healing the racial divide. He compared Republicans to murderous Communists (which is kind of funny if you think about it) and also compared Republican rhetoric to re-education camps (which is hilarious if you think about it). I mean, does he not realize that he’s a (tiny) part of the greatest Leftist re-education effort in history, currently being undertaken within the corrupt triumvirate of mainstream media, academia, and the entertainment industry? Guess he doesn’t.

Matthews is a pompous blowhard (the “turkey” part of jive turkey) and like many pompous blowhards (see #9, below), he projects. In one case, he didn’t appreciate how the Republicans were just saying “no.” But he reached the zenith of his career hypocrisy, general nastiness and complete inability to function on any level as a journalist with his mockery of Rep. Michele Bachmann on election night (although to be fair, that was a very, very bad night for him):

9. Keith Olbermann
Yes, Keith. You’re only number 9. I know, I know. After breaking NBC rules about donating to political candidates, after your “indefinite” 2-night suspension, after canning your “worst person in the world segment” in the interest of civility (for about 5 minutes) – after all this, and a few more things to be noted below, you’re probably thinking you should be #1! And you might be, Keith. But we decided to give you the same number ranking as your latest ratings rank you – behind O’Reilly, Hannity, Beck, Greta, SpongeBob… you get the idea.

But you certainly gave it the old (Cornell) college try this year! We give you an “A” for effort! After all, smearing Scott Brown as “an irresponsible, homophobic, racist, reactionary, ex-nude model, teabagging supporter of violence against women” certainly clarified your status as a lying tool! The very next night, when Brown was elected, you cemented your status as “the worst anchor in the world” by coming back from a commercial break with this level-headed and rational analysis of Brown’s victory speech: “My God! He’s still talking!” Yeah, Keith. That’s what the rest of America is saying, in exactly the same tone, about YOU. You don’t know what you’re talking about, but you just won’t shut up. And you just can’t seem to stop yourself from reaching into your own diaper.

8. Bill Maher
Ol’ Bill would be higher on this list if he hadn’t had, for about 90 seconds a few weeks ago, one clear-cut moment of complete lucidity that he shared with the world. Unfortunately, both before and after that memorable moment, everything that came out of his mouth was either (a) a lie (b) a pile of Olby-doo or (c) both, making him an outstanding candidate for jive turkey status.
What else to call someone who says we’re all stupid? This guy is so blinded by his ideology that he cannot see how anyone could disagree with his wisdom. Maher is the poster boy for the “flyover” crowd – those folks who spend all their time on the East or Left coasts, sneering at the people in the middle who cling to guns and religion. We’re all racists, blah blah blah. You’ve heard it before, probably even put more entertainingly. Maher’s a tired act. And speaking of stupid – even Time Magazine knows that there are two sides to every story (even if they never tell one of them). Maher seems to be unaware of any other sides at all. A clueless turkey, indeed.

7. Joy Behar
Joy, joy, joy! Sounds like a Christmas carol, doesn’t it? But there’s not too much of any kind of holiday cheer coming from this hen turkey. She has had her gobbler working all year long, though, busily trying to brainwash whoever it is who sits in front of the TV for that daily mindassault known as The View.

When Bill O’Reilly said that it is Muslims who want to blow us up, Joy got very, very angry that he didn’t say “Muslim EXTREMISTS.” So she had a temper tantrum, and proved once and for all that women ARE equal to men – in other words, women can be giant tools, too! Joy only likes it when her male guests are very polite and allow her to interrupt them ad nauseum.

This is one low-class squawker turkey, as she proved this year with near constant vulgar references to females with whom she disagreed.

6. Arianna Huffington
Unlike the lower-ranking turkeys, Arianna is not known so much for an in-your-face personal use of deceit or BS – HOWEVER. As the founder of the Huffington Post, she is the face behind one of the Left-iest hatefests on the internet. Even if the blogs themselves show some moderation (and many don’t), the comments are among the nastiest anywhere – that is to say, if a conservative actually gets a comment posted. Most of the time, it seems the “moderators” aren’t interested in conservative response – unless it is poorly written or misspelled, and then they post it with glee. I understand, from folks who’ve been reading it for awhile, that “Huffpo” has moved Leftward this past year.

Arianna, who has herself a pretty bizarre background (what with being a follower of the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh free-sex group in Oregon that tried to poison their neighbors to control the local government), has spewed some real wackjob ideas this year. She called us “lizard brains” for voting GOP, race-baited with Marco Rubio, and insisted that voters wanted Obama to be move faster to the Left. Delusional stuff aside, her Huffington Post has become an important outpost of the Left, with regular contributors like Mr. Jane Fonda (Tom Hayden) and Christian-hater Frank Schaeffer (who describes himself as a “survivor” of an evangelical childhood). As such, HuffPo is home to countless lies and piles of… turkey poo. And Arianna’s one crazy turkey lady.

5. George Soros
As Glenn Beck has masterfully pointed out, George Soros is one of the most dangerous men in the world, because he is spreading his (and his investors’) massive wealth around with a very targeted agenda that is anti-America, anti-military, anti-pretty much anything that conservatives support. Indeed, the sheer number of Leftist causes with which he is involved – and the massive dollars showered on them – is mind-boggling.
This year, Soros’ name has been in the media time after time as the reach of his tentacles has become public knowledge. He supports groups across a dizzying array of the Leftist spectrum, on virtually every conceivable Leftist issue. But it is his dabbling in the media itself for which he most deserves a spot on this year’s Turkey Roster. He sponsors Media Matters, which exists solely to monitor media outlets for so-called conservative misinformation. The fact that virtually every mainstream media outlets spews Leftist misinformation (disinformation, if you wish) on an hourly basis makes the existence of Media Matters absolutely laughable. But Soros fully understands the power of propaganda, which is why he also has a hand in NPR.

So why would one of the richest men in the world want to dismantle a structure that helped him become one of the richest men in the world? Because he knows full well that in the political model he envisions, he will have even more power than he does now. After all, he once said that defeating George W. Bush in 2004 was the “central focus on his life” – a “matter of life and death.” But those darn American voters vetoed him! Soros is on a personal quest to keep the American voter from ever squelching his desires again.

4. Nancy Pelosi
It’s ironic, environmentally speaking of course, that so many trees have died in order to provide paper for all that has been written about America’s own queen of lies, San Francisco Congressional Rep. Nancy Pelosi. Of course, she doesn’t like that “Representative” title one bit, which is why she will go to her grave with her expensively-manicured fingernails deeply embedded into that sorry organism known as the House Democrats as “Leader.” Pelosi likes being on top, thank you very much, and like her fellow turkey Soros, understands the beauty of Leftism is that undeserving people like her can stay up there with the elites. She, like Soros, longs for the day when she doesn’t have to deal with the little people (eww! American voters from Idaho and other ungodly places!). Why, those ingrates cost her the Speaker’s gavel! You know, she will make us pay. In fact, I suspect that she’s the one who wrote up the new TSA guidelines. After all, Pelosi hasn’t flown on a commercial jet in years – why bother when you have military jets at your beck and call?

Anyway. Pelosi certainly has a rich and full command of the language of lies, and has shown an uncanny ability to lay it on thicker than most Leftists. She lied about the GOP’s supposed foreign money connection. She lied about the Wall Street reform bill. She lied about who drove Obama’s car into the ditch. And that was all in one speech! I’m not sure the woman is physically capable of telling the truth – perhaps a side effect of all the Botox. In any event, she may be an old tough bird, but she’s a jive turkey if I ever saw one.

3. Eric Holder
My dad used to tease me about my brown eyes. He said they were that color because I was full of… well, you know. So I ask you – what color are Holder’s eyes? Because he is a walking receptacle of that stuff my dad was talking about. This year Holder blamed Congress (read: GOP) of preventing Obama from closing Gitmo, but that was… well, a lie. Nothing was stopping Obama from taking that action. Nothing except the American public’s distaste for this administration’s warm and fuzzy approach to terrorists, which is mainly seen as the legacy of one Eric Holder. Good job on that first trial, Eric! Holder suffers from TDS (truth deficiency syndrome); his particular case is centered around his inability to utter the words “Islam” and “terrorist” in the same sentence (maybe even in the same day).

On other issues, he criticized the Arizona immigration law without reading it – not an outright lie, there, but certainly more bull… stuff. And he dropped the voter fraud case against the Black Panthers, because he apparently actually believes the lie that you can only be guilty of voter fraud if you’re white. Oh, and dropping that case made room in his busy schedule to harass a 58-year-old pro-lifer with some obscure “blocking an entrance to an abortion clinic” law. Now THAT’S a federal case. None of this voter fraud nonsense. So… is it racist to call Eric Holder a jive turkey? (Hint: we will explore this racial angle again with our #1 turkey. Stay tuned.)

2. Janet Napolitano
Holder’s “partner in crime” in keeping us safe is none other than Big Sis, Janet Napolitano. There is no civil liberty this turkey ever saw that she didn’t think she could violate. The American people will do what she says they’ll do, and they better not be right wingers, because those people are DANGEROUS. As for lying, just remember where she first shot to stardom – as Anita Hill’s lawyer (speaking of Clarence Thomas getting violated). Why, such a staunch defender of ladies as is Ms. Napolitano would certainly have never had anything to do with a known molester of women like Bill Clinton, right? Except when he appointed her as U.S. Attorney. Yup. Turkeys of a feather flock together, all right. People who tell lies about what didn’t happen (Hill/Napolitano) or did happen (Clinton) are really all the same – they’re all liars.

Anyway, Big Sis didn’t climb to the second highest spot on our Turkey Roster for stuff she did years ago – oh, no. She was a busy little gal in 2010. Like her buddy Holder, she shot off her mouth about the Arizona immigration bill but was forced to confess that she had not actually read it. Need I point out that posing as an expert on a piece of legislation while stubbornly refusing to actually read it (and this piece was a pretty short read) is deceitful (aka lying)? But Big Sis earned her top tier ranking with the debacle she’s currently waddling through (or would it be wattling through, turkeywise?). Every single thing wrong with the current TSA approach to airport security (and I counted ten things) is squarely blameable back to Janet Napolitano. Like her esteemed boss, her mastery of both arrogance and incompetence prove a winning combination for this year’s Turkey Roster!

1. Barack Hussein Obama
Okay, again, calling the Prez a jive turkey is not a reason to go all snippy on me about that being racist. Most of the people on my jive turkey list are indeed white, after all. I’m an equal opportunity turkey profiler. But if we are talking about people who can weave magic with untruth, and practically cast spells with bullpoo… well, Mr. Obama is hands-down the winner, the top dog, the Grand Wizard of Turkeydom, if you will. His most annoying lie is that exhausted analogy about the car being driven into the ditch. He keeps saying it was the Republicans at the wheel. First of all, that’s a simplification that’s so deceitful as to qualify for full “lie” status. Second, Mr. President, if they were going the wrong direction, why did you keep the car pointed that way and hit the gas?

Anyway. He’s the King of the Whoppers. Check it out:
“The health care bill will not increase the deficit by one dime.”
“Reform will also rein in the abuse and excess that nearly brought down our financial system. It will finally bring transparency to the kinds of complex, risky transactions that helped trigger the financial crisis.”
Uh-HUH. (And can I just point out the irony that this financial “reform” bill was authored by Barney Frank, who himself shoulders significant blame for the economic meltdown?)
“We have run out of places in the U.S. to drill for oil.”
“Republicans don’t have a single idea that’s different from George Bush’s ideas – not one.”
Well, technically this isn’t a lie. They don’t have one idea. They have many. Here’s two. 1. Paul Ryan. 2. Fair Tax.

A group of turkeys is called a rafter, and the combined BS on this year’s Turkey Roster is indeed piled up to the rafters. An alternative term for a group of turkeys is a gang, and that one seems even more appropriate, because this gang of liars and con artists is indeed terrorizing America with their own unique brand of “gang violence.” Here’s hoping that by next Thanksgiving at least a few of these pesky birds have been plucked and roasted. Happy Turkey Day!

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